Posts Tagged ‘Mr. Parsons’

Fritzie Bortz (More)


January 10th, 2022 Posted 7:38 am

I believe last week we promised more of Fritzie Bortz, a recurring character in the Chet and Bernie series (who may surprise you in the next novel, Bark to the Future, coming in August). Here’s Fritzie meeting old Mr. Parsons in the hospital in the e-short story The Iggy Chronicles, Volume 1:

“Our friend Daniel Parsons,” Bernie said. “Fritzie Bortz, highway patrol, motorcycle division.”

Mr. Parsons and Fritzie shook hands. “Hurt in the line of duty?” Mr. Parsons said, nodding in the direction of Fritzie’s walking boot.

Fritzie nodded. “Gotta keep the nation’s highways safe,” he said. “Lifeblood of the economy.”

“What happened?” Bernie said.

“Skidded on a greasy fast-food wrapper,” Fritzie said. “Lost control momentarily.” Easy to believe: Fritzie was a terrible biker, had caused many accidents.

“In the parking lot at Burger Heaven?” Bernie said.

“Just exiting,” said Fritzie. “How did you know?”

“Lucky guess,” said Bernie.

“Still managed to bust the asshole.”

“What asshole?”

“Who dropped the wrapper,” Fritzie said. “Got him on a 74-31C.”

“What’s that?”

“Littering. But a real suspicious character, Bernie, dressed all in black – plus he had his collar on backwards, probably some new gangbanger thing, like with the ball caps.”

“Good job,” Bernie said.




January 9th, 2022 Posted 8:26 am

On Sunday we do beginnings, taking a look at the start of a Peter Abrahams novel, including those written under the Spencer Quinn moniker™. How about today we do The Iggy Chronicles, Volume 1 (one of the Chet and Bernie e-short stories), since Fritzie Bortz, subject of a post this week, makes an early appearance here.

Old Mr. Parsons knocked on our door. I was lying in the front hall, eyes closed and not really in the mood to open them even though Mr. Parsons was a good buddy. Mr. Parsons had a knock all his own, quiet yet bony, but I’d already known it was him just from the slow bumpitty bump of his steps – he used a walker, couldn’t make it much easier for me than that – and of course how could you miss his old man smell, kind of like stacks of yellowed crumbing newspapers we’d once toppled over, me and Bernie, revealing a perp whose name escapes me – although no perp ever escapes me and Bernie, not in the end – and … and where were we going with this? Easy to lose the thread sometimes: once I had one caught way up inside my mouth. It dangled down and tickled my tongue in a bothersome way. But not now: no thread worries, no worries of any kind. A lovely dream featuring snacks and treats was getting ready to take me in.


Meet Sierra


November 20th, 2019 Posted 8:35 am

Somewhat reminiscent of how Chet monitors the health of the old Parsons couple next door.


A Guest in the Parsons’s House


August 17th, 2013 Posted 8:36 am

Something you might not know about me is how fast I can ramp up to full speed. It’s like this: Boom! Or even quicker than that! But no time for thinking now. In fact, that’s one of my core beliefs. You can take it to the bank, although maybe not our bank, where we’re having a little problem with Ms. Oxley, the manager. I tore across the back hall of the Parsons house, through the kitchen, past Iggy’s water bowl, just about full to the top, into the front hall, then – with no warning at all, caught completely by surprise! – stopping on a dime, the kind of stop where the whole rug comes loose and for a moment you’re surfing, the way Bernie and I did on our trip to San Diego – a story I’ll try to go into later – and the next thing I knew I was back at Iggy’s bowl, lapping of every single drop of his water, except what might have gotten spilled. Then came a pivot so fast I almost puked – hey! no almost about it! – and I was back in the front hall, where I caught a glimpse of the rug – Persian, was that the name? – sort of crumpled under a big plant that had somehow tipped over, scattering a surprising amount of dirt all over the – But that was all I glimpsed. You can only glimpse so much.

– from The Iggy Chronicles, Volume 1, now available from all the usual sources for $.99.


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