Chet The Dog

Posts Tagged ‘biting’

World Cup

There’s biting in soccer? How interesting!

Welcome new friends to the gallery: keen-nosed dude, Sugar from CA, Marco the Pom, Blondie (with Herd of Hounds).

Sleeping Dogs And Martha Stewart

“Martha Stewart has a blog,” says Spence.

“Who’s she, again?” says Admin.

“For God’s sake,” Spence says. “Anyway, today she’s writing about a little incident with her bulldog Francesca. Martha was up early because of a Today Show gig, and as she left her place she leaned down to say goodbye to the dozing Francesca. At that moment, Francesca bolted up ‘with such force that she hit me in the face like a boxing glove hitting an opponent’s face.’ And then ‘blood gushed forth from my split lip.’ Martha was so undone that she called the cops for a ride to the hospital, completely forgetting that her driver Carlos was already waiting to take her to the city! But now she’s all patched up and everything’s fine.”

“Happy to hear that,” says Admin. “You know what they say about sleeping dogs.”

Do I? I open an eye. Spence and Admin are looking at me. I look at them.

Euphemism + Dysphemism = ?

“We’re looking for a showgirl who came out here twenty years ago or so,” Bernie said.

“Showgirl being a … ” said Albie Rose.

“Euphemism?” said Foster. Foster was Albie Rose’s bodyguard, not the kind of dude you wanted to mess with, except that me and Bernie always wanted to mess with dudes like that. We had this thing in us, me and Bernie, hard to describe.

Albie Rose turned to Foster. “When I need your help I’ll ask for it.”

“Sorry,” said Foster.

“Move my umbrella a little.”

Foster moved Albie Rose’s umbrella.

Albie Rose turned to Bernie. “Showgirl being a euphemism for hooker?” he said.

“Not at first,” said Bernie. “But maybe in the end.”

Albie Rose nodded. “That’s the way it happens,” he said. “You’re a smart guy. How much do you clear on an annual basis?”

“Enough to keep us happy,” Bernie said.

Yes! We were happy! No doubt about it. I was so happy realizing we were happy that I got this sudden urge to give Albie Rose and Foster each a quick little bite.

Note to new Friends: You won’t show up in the rotation at first. Patience, please.

Bad Guys

“Put the gun down, Freddie,” Bernie said. “Nothing good can come of this.”

“Did I ask for your opinion?” Freddie Dancer said. He kept the gun right where it was, pointed at Suzie’s head. Her eyes were open very wide. A growling noise started up, a very angry noise. “And keep that damn dog away from me,” Freddie said.

“Easy, big guy,” said Bernie. The growling? That turned out to be me. I tried to stop, and pretty much did.

“We walk out of here with the film and no one gets hurt,” Freddie said. The bald guy holding Suzie’s other arm smiled this little smile I didn’t like at all.

“What film?” said Bernie.

“See,” said Freddie, tapping the gun softly at the side of Suzie’s head, “that’s how someone gets hurt.” The urge to bite got very strong in me.