PAW AND ORDER: Chapter 1, Excerpt 3
We hopped out of the Porsche—me actually hopping, Bernie using the door—and walked toward Ti-Pierre’s Cajun BBQ. They had a deck on one side, so that was where we headed, restaurant decks usually being pretty welcoming to me and my kind. We took the last empty table—all the others occupied by biker guys and gals—and Bernie ordered: beer for him, water for me, ribs and brisket to share. A biker at the next table leaned toward us.
“That your Porsche out there?”
Bernie nodded. I’d been about to lie down in the shade under the table; instead I sat up nice and straight.
The biker leaned a little closer, one of those dudes with a neck thicker than his head, not a look that shows humans at their best, in my opinion. “Piece of crap,” he said. He had the most interesting breath I’d smelled in a long time, a rich mix of onions, garlic, pulled pork, whiskey, pot, cocaine, rotten teeth, and strawberry ice cream.
“This is America,” Bernie said. “You’re welcome to your opinion.”
The biker dude turned to the biker gal beside him. Hey! She had the same kind of neck, thicker than her head. Had I ever seen that on a woman before? I was trying to remember when the biker dude spoke in a high little voice. “You’re welcome to your opinion.” The biker gal thought that was funny. So did a bunch of the other bikers, all of them now looking our way. “My point exactly, pretty boy,” the biker said, now back to his normal voice, rough and loud. “This. Is. America.”
Pretty boy? Was he agreeing with me that Bernie had the best face in the world? I went back and forth on that. Meanwhile, the biker dude was saying, “Your piece of crap ride ain’t American. Makin’ you a traitor, as well as a sexual deviator.”
It got very quiet out on the deck at Ti-Pierre’s Cajun BBQ, so when Bernie spoke every word was clear. “You’re embarrassing yourself,” he said.
It got even quieter. I heard the sounds of chairs being pushed back a bit and feet getting gathered underneath dudes, dudes maybe planning to rise in a hurry.
The thick-necked biker’s face was real red now and his nostrils had opened up a surprising amount, reminding me of a bull I came across once in a corral I’d regretted entering almost immediately. “Tell you what,” he said. “I’ll give you a choice. I can either beat the shit outta you here and now—”
“Yeah, do that, Ferdie,” called someone from another table.
“—or you can put those airy-fairy wheels of yours up against me and my Harley, say from here to the Pont Greve Bridge and back.” He took out a fat wad, counted out some bills, and slapped them on our table. “A thousand bucks says you lose.”
Another biker dropped in more money. “Make that two grand.”
And one more biker. “Three.”
Meaning there was a serious pile of money on the table, how much exactly I’ll leave to you, since I don’t go past two. I had the feeling that we hadn’t walked away with a whole lot of green on the Ralph Boutette case, although the details wouldn’t come. Something about emergency car repairs? Maybe. But none of that mattered now. All that mattered was us latching on to that pile of money.
Bernie leaned back in his chair, looking real relaxed, unlike everyone else on the deck. But that was Bernie! “I’m mighty tempted, Ferdie,” he said. “But you’re too drunk to drive.”
– coming Aug. 5; now available for preorder.
– welcome Sallie, in various poses; Cashew, please reload.
Tonight, 6:30 PM. Eight Cousins Books Falmouth Mass.: Spence and PAW AND ORDER!
Tags: excerpts, Paw and Order
This entry was posted on Saturday, August 2nd, 2014 at 8:37 am and is filed under Chet The Dog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
8:51 am on August 2nd, 2014
Great excerpt! The description of Ferdie’s breath is so vivid. The rotten teeth and strawberry ice cream part almost makes me gag!
I think Bernie would be smart not to take that bet.
BSD and Masquers are up top, making it a great start to the day.
9:05 am on August 2nd, 2014
Time to turn the page again. I wish everybody a great month.
9:28 am on August 2nd, 2014
Thank you for the August calendar, although summer is going by way too fast for our liking.
Hope we don’t get a double post today. It was very confusing trying to decide where to post yesterday.
One walk done, one more to go and then some lawn work. Barb hates to weed wack, so I think she is going to grab Mr. Ortiz by the pant leg and see what he would charge.
Finally have some more tomatoes that are starting to blush as Staff called it. Hope to have a few for the family get together next week. The San Marzano is beautiful. Much like a Roma but much bigger.
9:35 am on August 2nd, 2014
HOH, How long is the grandson visiting?
9:35 am on August 2nd, 2014
Greetings!
A soggy Saturday here in Westchester.
Just read last night’s posts…
Elliot, That is just such a precious picture. Stop by more often!
Royal Mum, Hope your arm is getting back to tip-top.
THIEVES! Do youse think you can procure a kamera and take a picture of Harris?
Good Saturday to all!
9:47 am on August 2nd, 2014
Good morning, B&M, Tyb, Wose and everyone! Where Bernie goes, fun is sure to follow 🙂 G-son is here through the 10th, then home to the OC just in time for his 14th b-day. We are spending today at the lake.
Have a summery Saturday.
10:06 am on August 2nd, 2014
Good morning all. Happy to report that back yard has been tamed, except that I, like Barb, detest the weed whacker, with the added problem of not even knowing how to use it. Last month I bribed a very dishy South African gent who was doing my neighbors yard, with a pocket knife. (I gave him the knife, he was not doing the yard with a knife).
Hi Elliot, sweet picture!
off to….do…uh….something. bbst
10:15 am on August 2nd, 2014
My favorite line: “…a bull I came across once in a corral I’d regretted entering almost immediately.”
Good morning all.
10:30 am on August 2nd, 2014
ML, Whatever you do, I hope you have a fun time.
Dear Plunderer Family,
Because I am small and meek, I normally would not reach out to ask for help or a favor.
I did not want to mention anything for fear of my jinxing an opportunity. With my being unemployed, and The Prof only teaching part-time, he has been very diligently looking for full time work.
He received a response for a full-time position at Berkeley College in Clifton, NJ. If The Prof gets the job, he would become Director of On-line Operations.
He had 2 interviews prior to yesterday, which was the third, with the COO.
We here do not want to think to much about it, but we have all fingers and toes crossed. I know the Plunderer Family power is great. We here good use some good wishes, good thoughts, and prayers.
I, the small and meek thank you.
10:36 am on August 2nd, 2014
Wose, you’ve got it from our end 🙂
11:01 am on August 2nd, 2014
HOH, Hugs and thanks back at ‘ya!
11:03 am on August 2nd, 2014
Wose – consider prayers offered, sent and seconded. This will be an amazing opportunity for the Prof to really show his stuff and help students on their path to higher ed
Good things are coming – we just know it!
11:14 am on August 2nd, 2014
Rose: I hope the Prof gets the position. (It sounds very interesting.)
11:15 am on August 2nd, 2014
Wose–You guys are on the prayer list. Also am wishing very hard. The sequence of three interviews sounds serious.
What is it with Bernie and Bikers? (And I really don’t see him as a pretty boy–maybe more of a John Garfield/Paul Muni type but with the style of Dwayne Johnson. I may be reading too much into Chet’s comments about the nose and eyebrows.)
Also, what happened to the photo of Spence and Rio in baseball caps?
11:26 am on August 2nd, 2014
ML, Glad you clarified. We were picturing the poor lad cutting all the grass with a knife. Very time consuming!
Wose, three interviews is very serious. I bet there are only two or three people being considered at this point. Strong positive energy coming at you from northern Illinois. Since we know next to nothing about your area, will you have to move if he takes this position?
11:28 am on August 2nd, 2014
Bee, we love that line too.
Barb has been putting if off, but now must go attack the front yard. Debating, should she use a knife or the mower?
11:30 am on August 2nd, 2014
Just for DianeC.
11:34 am on August 2nd, 2014
B&M, No relocation required. Clifton, NJ is about an hour’s drive from where we love.
Wosengrizz thank each of you from the bottom of our hearts.
11:38 am on August 2nd, 2014
HOH–Thank you so much. My day is complete (and now back to bed).
Wose–I had been thinking it was an online job, but I guess not when one is in charge. Still a good deal.
Did anyone else notice the “hefty fines for wrong answers” for tonight’s pop quiz? I wonder what constitutes “hefty” in this context…
12:03 pm on August 2nd, 2014
When William joined the army, he hated the phrase, “Fire at will”.
12:26 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Oh my Bernie! Paw and Order is starting with a bang! I sure hope the porsche is still OK tomorrow.
Spence is at EIGHT COUSINS BOOKSTORE today and I just called and ordered my copy of Paw and Order. Hopefully I will get it soon. sniff. They said he will be signing it today but I don’t know if they will be allowed to mail it today.
Rose. Wishin’ and hopin’ and Pawrayers for Grizz and you too!
Grizz will be great at that job!
12:26 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Oh my Bernie! Paw and Order is starting with a bang! I sure hope the porsche is still OK tomorrow.
Spence is at EIGHT COUSINS BOOKSTORE today and I just called and ordered my copy of Paw and Order. Hopefully I will get it soon. sniff. They said he will be signing it today but I don’t know if they will be allowed to mail it today.
Rose. Wishin’ and hopin’ and Pawrayers for Grizz and you too!
Grizz will be great at that job!
12:27 pm on August 2nd, 2014
grump!
I am going quilting…
BBML
12:44 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Wose and Grizz (aka The Prof) — please know that my strongest puppy prayers possible are on the way for The Prof to get the job offer. I’ll also get my gal Zeta to send hers as well. That’s some mighty powerful puppy prayers on the way for youse guys.
1:27 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Wose, Prayers, crossed paws, and good thoughts going out for you and Griz.
I’m not reading the excerpts but Staff mentioned the Porsche.
Gulp
1:27 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Loulou and I are sending prayers.
2:58 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Billy and his Buddy Linda are sending prayers.
3:09 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Diane C., some background that you may or may not know. The other dog in the picture with Rio and Spence is Wookie. He has crossed the rainbow bridge and his work is now being carried on by Teddy Ruff Rider.
The dog on the August calendar page is Blou. He has also crossed the rainbow bridge and his work is being carried on by Tyb.
3:40 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Rose!…Beau will praying some very strong pug-prayers for your Prof to get that awesome job!…snort!…Will you guys have to move when the offer is made?…chuffle!…I moved twice and it is no fun by golly…grunt!
3:42 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Thinking positive thoughts for Rose and Grizz. Multiple interviews are a very big deal.
4:12 pm on August 2nd, 2014
After reading and re-reading your comments on the 26th, I am finally able to write about it. You all knew Melanie so well. Rebecca, your stories of Dan and Melanie and the dogs made me cry, and laugh, and believe.
I know I didn’t get the pictures up on the blog the way I wanted to, but I’m learning I can’t do all I Want to. I’m working on it slowly.
I am sure Dan and Melanie are reading the blog and loving it as they did…I I will be a regular reader soon. Much love, Mac, Mattie and Zoe
4:37 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Hi Zoe – it’s so good to have you and Martha and Scout popping in to keep us all in line.
Siber – do you think that Natasha’s second best Porsche will ever be dinged up and worn out enough to become a ChetMobile?
4:45 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Beautiful and sunny so peeps went to the “Doghouse at the lake” for lunch and boating. Sat down to lovely sandwiches and boomers began in the distance followed upon the completion of lunch with a gentle drizzle. The peeps and g-son retired to the doghouse to ride out the little weather event. DDD and g-son started their siestas, mom chose to read, then, BAM, BOOM, SPLAT. No, Batman didn’t visit; a gully washer started :l They gave up at 4 and sent g-son with his uncle and Spongetta to a family party with her folks and DDD and mom came home to us, us, us. Just in time for Doggie Dinner:)
5:14 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Zoe, We love having you and Martha joining on the blog.
T&G As much as I love Chet and Bernie, I never want them near my old, borrowed, Porsche. It is in good shape and I plan to keep it that way. Even my pal, Rio, is not allowed to eat hot wings in it.
5:15 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Zoe — Truth be told we have always thought of you as part of this blog, given all that Melanie had shared about you and Dan and the Newfs, among other things. But we all certainly look forward to hearing from you more directly and frequently in the future, and sharing in the love that we all feel for one another, both here and departed.
5:15 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Classic!….heh!….All you Agatha Christie fans need to watch “And Then There Was None” – the really old movie. The one in black and white…heh!heh!….We got such a kick out of the humor in the story. Never expected it to be funny!…chorkel!…Classic movie!
5:15 pm on August 2nd, 2014
5:22 pm on August 2nd, 2014
SiberH!…I seriously do not remember that rule…grunt!…No eating of Hot Wings in the porche. Nope, never heard a word about that…grunt!
Food!…Speaking of food. My friend is going solo to the neighborhood BBQ at the Pete-The-Cops house tonight…snort!…Mother, Beau and I have begged off…heh!…She is getting ready to make her Strawberries filled with Cream Cheese any minute now…sniff!…She says this BBQ needs some fruit. Pasta salad is a-plenty, potato salad is always over-flowing, high sugar desserts are over-flowing, but there is never any fruit…grunt!…So she is on a mission to supply fruit to these nutrient starved people. And she knows the only way they will eat fruit is with a tempting dab of sweet cream cheese in the center…heh!heh!…burp!
5:55 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Chet the Dog: I am loving the excerpts. Thank you!
WosenGriz: Island prayers coming at you.
I am one who likes to mow lawns and weed whack, small yards only. If someone bought me a John Deere mower, then I would mow acres!
Staff has taken over the Double Dawson duties.
HOH: I’m enjoying the exploits of y’all and g-son.
DianeC: I missed the “hefty fines” post. I wonder what the questions are on the quiz.
Tyb: Another month already!? If it wasn’t for the FOM drawing and your calendar page showing up (sometimes on the 1st, heh), I would miss entire months.
6:00 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Cousin Elly’s garden is a wonderful place to read a good book.
6:01 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Dawson, that was on the “facebookie” post…hefty fines.
6:03 pm on August 2nd, 2014
HOH: Oh good! I thought I was reading every third word again.
6:16 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Highly recommended by a friend of Snowhook Kennels.
6:50 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Dawson! You must be on the Island!
The only way I know what my sisters are doing is if I check the Chet-the-Dog-Blog, doggammit.
6:53 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Oh, Dawson, just that restaurant’s sing is making our mom drool like a newf!
6:56 pm on August 2nd, 2014
GAH! Sing, n, No, NO sign.
7:02 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Dawson!…Sounds like you are having a great vacation for free!…wooooo!… Enjoy every moment of it!…snort!
Neighbors!…Well it is almost time for my friend to take her stawberries and hit the road…snort!…She will be walking up the same walk we do every single night come hell or high water…grunt!…She has met so many people on our walks mostly because of ME and maybe Beau…heh!…I know she is hoping a few favorites will be there tonight…sniff!…Now I want to go and she says NO!NO!NOT Ever!…grumble!
7:05 pm on August 2nd, 2014
ACattyLibrarian: Oops! Heh,heh.
Very sweet picture you posted last night.
Now, I have to leave Elly’s garden and free wifi area back to the land of no internet.
7:43 pm on August 2nd, 2014
MP’s Mom–Thaks for the additional information. I was indeed curious, but feared any questions might spark sad memories.
8:17 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Hi A Catty.
8:17 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Cheesecake! Grizz and I extended the cheesecake celebration, and had more cheesecake today!
Wosengrizz want to thank all of youse for your prayers, and good thoughts.
RIO! We will not be moving right now, but if the Prof gets the job, and his commute becomes to much, it will be a consideration.
Teddy RR: Your special puppy prayers mean a great deal to us. And I know with Zeta’s prayers added, good things will come.
8:18 pm on August 2nd, 2014
RIO! Those strawberries sound goody, good, good!
ZOE, never forget you are Plunderer family!
8:56 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Guess what my ma and pa found at Barnes and Noble tonight. Paw and Order. Three days before the official pub date too. How cool is that!
9:01 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Sending prayers on wings for The Grizz.
Rio, can you ask you ask your friend how she makes her sweet cream cheese for the strawberries?
Mom has been lurking but I wish she would post more!
9:03 pm on August 2nd, 2014
We admit it. We couldn’t resist the temptation. We watched “Snarknado II”, arguably one of the tackiest, most ridiculous and stupid SciFi movies ever made.
Now we can say we have seen it.
whoopie.
9:29 pm on August 2nd, 2014
We would like to hear the strawberry recipe too.
What, PAO at B&N already? We may have to make an unscheduled trip there tomorrow or Monday. It won’t be a signed copy, but at least we can start reading it.
Sharknado, can’t figure out what all the excitement is about. T & G, did you watch the original one?
9:35 pm on August 2nd, 2014
OMYDAWG!…snort!…My friend came home from the neighborhood BBQ and she said she had a blast…chuffle!…This year she sat at an empty table with a lady she did not know and suddenly the table filled up with 3 neighborhood cops and sheriffs and another nice couple…snort!…The conversation was very interesting and my friend had those cops laughing. Can you believe it? Plus, they are all dawg-lovers, so there were a lot of funny stories along with all the cop stories. My friend had a great time…chorkel!….Damn good thing me and Beau did not go…whew!
9:37 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Stawberries!…She really sold her strawberries too! All those guys had cream cheese filled strawberries as part of their dessert…chuffle! …And they liked them too!…heh!
9:40 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Recipe!…Youse guys all have the recipe. It is in Dishlickers Cookbook…snort!
10:01 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Barb – we did not see the original. And now we are pretty sure we will give it a pass.
Rio – sounds like your Friend had a great time. Hope she brought you some barbeque.
10:04 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Nothin’!…She brought us NOTHIN’…grump!…And now we have to go for a damned ole walk…grumble!
10:07 pm on August 2nd, 2014
HOH–It took me ALL DAY to figure out why you mentioned the guy who didn’t like the “fire at will” phrase. I am a twit.
I am going to go buy strawberries and stuff them. And eat them. Maybe dipped in brandy first.
10:10 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Can’t have strawberries.
Maybe we’ll just eat sweet cream cheese by the spoonful.
The brandy part sounds good too.
10:13 pm on August 2nd, 2014
We will pull out our Dishlickers Cookbook and check on the strawberries. We just made MPM’s poppy seed salad dressing a couple of weeks ago. It is one of our favorite salad dressings.
We are heading to bed to read for a few minutes before lights out. Started a Catherine Coulter that we didn’t like much at first, but now it is getting good. Will hold us over to we get PAO.
Night all.
10:37 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Grump!…Back!…grump!sneeze!spit!
10:38 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Mosquitoes!…Made the walk even more enjoyable than ever…grumpety!grump!
11:13 pm on August 2nd, 2014
Yaaaaawwwwn – tired puppies here
G’night everyone.
12:15 am on August 3rd, 2014
Excellant!..Excerpt!..WOW!
4:12 am on August 3rd, 2014
My very, most special, best friend, Wose: We here are saying prayers for youse there from te bottom of our sled dog hearts. The effectiveness of the Thieves prayers is still under review, but they are throwing them in the mix just in case.
Nighty and noodles.