PAW AND ORDER: Chapter 1, Excerpt 3

We hopped out of the Porsche—me actually hopping, Bernie using the door—and walked toward Ti-Pierre’s Cajun BBQ. They had a deck on one side, so that was where we headed, restaurant decks usually being pretty welcoming to me and my kind. We took the last empty table—all the others occupied by biker guys and gals—and Bernie ordered: beer for him, water for me, ribs and brisket to share. A biker at the next table leaned toward us.

“That your Porsche out there?”

Bernie nodded. I’d been about to lie down in the shade under the table; instead I sat up nice and straight.

The biker leaned a little closer, one of those dudes with a neck thicker than his head, not a look that shows humans at their best, in my opinion. “Piece of crap,” he said. He had the most interest­ing breath I’d smelled in a long time, a rich mix of onions, garlic, pulled pork, whiskey, pot, cocaine, rotten teeth, and strawberry ice cream.

“This is America,” Bernie said. “You’re welcome to your opin­ion.”

The biker dude turned to the biker gal beside him. Hey! She had the same kind of neck, thicker than her head. Had I ever seen that on a woman before? I was trying to remember when the biker dude spoke in a high little voice. “You’re welcome to your opinion.” The biker gal thought that was funny. So did a bunch of the other bikers, all of them now looking our way. “My point exactly, pretty boy,” the biker said, now back to his normal voice, rough and loud. “This. Is. America.”

Pretty boy? Was he agreeing with me that Bernie had the best face in the world? I went back and forth on that. Meanwhile, the biker dude was saying, “Your piece of crap ride ain’t American. Makin’ you a traitor, as well as a sexual deviator.”

It got very quiet out on the deck at Ti-Pierre’s Cajun BBQ, so when Bernie spoke every word was clear. “You’re embarrassing yourself,” he said.

It got even quieter. I heard the sounds of chairs being pushed back a bit and feet getting gathered underneath dudes, dudes maybe planning to rise in a hurry.

The thick-necked biker’s face was real red now and his nostrils had opened up a surprising amount, reminding me of a bull I came across once in a corral I’d regretted entering almost immedi­ately. “Tell you what,” he said. “I’ll give you a choice. I can either beat the shit outta you here and now—”

“Yeah, do that, Ferdie,” called someone from another table.

“—or you can put those airy-fairy wheels of yours up against me and my Harley, say from here to the Pont Greve Bridge and back.” He took out a fat wad, counted out some bills, and slapped them on our table. “A thousand bucks says you lose.”

Another biker dropped in more money. “Make that two grand.”

And one more biker. “Three.”

Meaning there was a serious pile of money on the table, how much exactly I’ll leave to you, since I don’t go past two. I had the feeling that we hadn’t walked away with a whole lot of green on the Ralph Boutette case, although the details wouldn’t come. Something about emergency car repairs? Maybe. But none of that mattered now. All that mattered was us latching on to that pile of money.

Bernie leaned back in his chair, looking real relaxed, unlike everyone else on the deck. But that was Bernie! “I’m mighty tempted, Ferdie,” he said. “But you’re too drunk to drive.”

– coming Aug. 5; now available for preorder.

– welcome Sallie, in various poses; Cashew, please reload.

Tonight, 6:30 PM. Eight Cousins Books Falmouth Mass.: Spence and PAW AND ORDER!


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This entry was posted on Saturday, August 2nd, 2014 at 8:37 am and is filed under Chet The Dog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

69 Responses to “PAW AND ORDER: Chapter 1, Excerpt 3”

  1. Barb & Maggie
    8:51 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Great excerpt! The description of Ferdie’s breath is so vivid. The rotten teeth and strawberry ice cream part almost makes me gag!
    I think Bernie would be smart not to take that bet.

    BSD and Masquers are up top, making it a great start to the day.

  2. Tyb
    9:05 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Time to turn the page again. I wish everybody a great month.

  3. Barb & Maggie
    9:28 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Thank you for the August calendar, although summer is going by way too fast for our liking.

    Hope we don’t get a double post today. It was very confusing trying to decide where to post yesterday.

    One walk done, one more to go and then some lawn work. Barb hates to weed wack, so I think she is going to grab Mr. Ortiz by the pant leg and see what he would charge.

    Finally have some more tomatoes that are starting to blush as Staff called it. Hope to have a few for the family get together next week. The San Marzano is beautiful. Much like a Roma but much bigger.

  4. Barb & Maggie
    9:35 am on August 2nd, 2014

    HOH, How long is the grandson visiting?

  5. Wose-the small and meek
    9:35 am on August 2nd, 2014


    A soggy Saturday here in Westchester.

    Just read last night’s posts…

    Elliot, That is just such a precious picture. Stop by more often!

    Royal Mum, Hope your arm is getting back to tip-top.

    THIEVES! Do youse think you can procure a kamera and take a picture of Harris?

    Good Saturday to all!

  6. Herd of Hounds
    9:47 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Good morning, B&M, Tyb, Wose and everyone! Where Bernie goes, fun is sure to follow 🙂 G-son is here through the 10th, then home to the OC just in time for his 14th b-day. We are spending today at the lake.
    Have a summery Saturday.

  7. ML
    10:06 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Good morning all. Happy to report that back yard has been tamed, except that I, like Barb, detest the weed whacker, with the added problem of not even knowing how to use it. Last month I bribed a very dishy South African gent who was doing my neighbors yard, with a pocket knife. (I gave him the knife, he was not doing the yard with a knife).

    Hi Elliot, sweet picture!

    off to….do…uh….something. bbst

  8. B.Stover
    10:15 am on August 2nd, 2014

    My favorite line: “…a bull I came across once in a corral I’d regretted entering almost immedi­ately.”

    Good morning all.

  9. Wose-the small and meek
    10:30 am on August 2nd, 2014

    ML, Whatever you do, I hope you have a fun time.

    Dear Plunderer Family,

    Because I am small and meek, I normally would not reach out to ask for help or a favor.
    I did not want to mention anything for fear of my jinxing an opportunity. With my being unemployed, and The Prof only teaching part-time, he has been very diligently looking for full time work.

    He received a response for a full-time position at Berkeley College in Clifton, NJ. If The Prof gets the job, he would become Director of On-line Operations.
    He had 2 interviews prior to yesterday, which was the third, with the COO.

    We here do not want to think to much about it, but we have all fingers and toes crossed. I know the Plunderer Family power is great. We here good use some good wishes, good thoughts, and prayers.

    I, the small and meek thank you.

  10. Herd of Hounds
    10:36 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Wose, you’ve got it from our end 🙂

  11. Wose-the small and meek
    11:01 am on August 2nd, 2014

    HOH, Hugs and thanks back at ‘ya!

  12. Tupper's Mama
    11:03 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Wose – consider prayers offered, sent and seconded. This will be an amazing opportunity for the Prof to really show his stuff and help students on their path to higher ed

    Good things are coming – we just know it!

  13. B.Stover
    11:14 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Rose: I hope the Prof gets the position. (It sounds very interesting.)

  14. Diane C.
    11:15 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Wose–You guys are on the prayer list. Also am wishing very hard. The sequence of three interviews sounds serious.

    What is it with Bernie and Bikers? (And I really don’t see him as a pretty boy–maybe more of a John Garfield/Paul Muni type but with the style of Dwayne Johnson. I may be reading too much into Chet’s comments about the nose and eyebrows.)

    Also, what happened to the photo of Spence and Rio in baseball caps?

  15. Barb & Maggie
    11:26 am on August 2nd, 2014

    ML, Glad you clarified. We were picturing the poor lad cutting all the grass with a knife. Very time consuming!

    Wose, three interviews is very serious. I bet there are only two or three people being considered at this point. Strong positive energy coming at you from northern Illinois. Since we know next to nothing about your area, will you have to move if he takes this position?

  16. Barb & Maggie
    11:28 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Bee, we love that line too.

    Barb has been putting if off, but now must go attack the front yard. Debating, should she use a knife or the mower?

  17. Herd of Hounds
    11:30 am on August 2nd, 2014

    Just for DianeC.

  18. Wose-the small and meek
    11:34 am on August 2nd, 2014

    B&M, No relocation required. Clifton, NJ is about an hour’s drive from where we love.

    Wosengrizz thank each of you from the bottom of our hearts.

  19. Diane C.
    11:38 am on August 2nd, 2014

    HOH–Thank you so much. My day is complete (and now back to bed).

    Wose–I had been thinking it was an online job, but I guess not when one is in charge. Still a good deal.

    Did anyone else notice the “hefty fines for wrong answers” for tonight’s pop quiz? I wonder what constitutes “hefty” in this context…

  20. Herd of Hounds
    12:03 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    When William joined the army, he hated the phrase, “Fire at will”.

  21. AbbietheKitty
    12:26 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Oh my Bernie! Paw and Order is starting with a bang! I sure hope the porsche is still OK tomorrow.

    Spence is at EIGHT COUSINS BOOKSTORE today and I just called and ordered my copy of Paw and Order. Hopefully I will get it soon. sniff. They said he will be signing it today but I don’t know if they will be allowed to mail it today.

    Rose. Wishin’ and hopin’ and Pawrayers for Grizz and you too!
    Grizz will be great at that job!

  22. Staff
    12:26 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Oh my Bernie! Paw and Order is starting with a bang! I sure hope the porsche is still OK tomorrow.

    Spence is at EIGHT COUSINS BOOKSTORE today and I just called and ordered my copy of Paw and Order. Hopefully I will get it soon. sniff. They said he will be signing it today but I don’t know if they will be allowed to mail it today.

    Rose. Wishin’ and hopin’ and Pawrayers for Grizz and you too!
    Grizz will be great at that job!

  23. Staff
    12:27 pm on August 2nd, 2014


    I am going quilting…


  24. Teddy Ruff Rider
    12:44 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Wose and Grizz (aka The Prof) — please know that my strongest puppy prayers possible are on the way for The Prof to get the job offer. I’ll also get my gal Zeta to send hers as well. That’s some mighty powerful puppy prayers on the way for youse guys.

  25. Siber-H
    1:27 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Wose, Prayers, crossed paws, and good thoughts going out for you and Griz.

    I’m not reading the excerpts but Staff mentioned the Porsche.

  26. Mollypop's Mom
    1:27 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Loulou and I are sending prayers.

  27. Billy's Buddy
    2:58 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Billy and his Buddy Linda are sending prayers.

  28. Mollypop's Mom
    3:09 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Diane C., some background that you may or may not know. The other dog in the picture with Rio and Spence is Wookie. He has crossed the rainbow bridge and his work is now being carried on by Teddy Ruff Rider.

    The dog on the August calendar page is Blou. He has also crossed the rainbow bridge and his work is being carried on by Tyb.

  29. Riö -The Evil Pug
    3:40 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Rose!…Beau will praying some very strong pug-prayers for your Prof to get that awesome job!…snort!…Will you guys have to move when the offer is made?…chuffle!…I moved twice and it is no fun by golly…grunt!

  30. c.hobbit
    3:42 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Thinking positive thoughts for Rose and Grizz. Multiple interviews are a very big deal.

  31. Zoe
    4:12 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    After reading and re-reading your comments on the 26th, I am finally able to write about it. You all knew Melanie so well. Rebecca, your stories of Dan and Melanie and the dogs made me cry, and laugh, and believe.

    I know I didn’t get the pictures up on the blog the way I wanted to, but I’m learning I can’t do all I Want to. I’m working on it slowly.

    I am sure Dan and Melanie are reading the blog and loving it as they did…I I will be a regular reader soon. Much love, Mac, Mattie and Zoe

  32. Tupper and Gilly
    4:37 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Hi Zoe – it’s so good to have you and Martha and Scout popping in to keep us all in line.

    Siber – do you think that Natasha’s second best Porsche will ever be dinged up and worn out enough to become a ChetMobile?

  33. Herd of Hounds
    4:45 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Beautiful and sunny so peeps went to the “Doghouse at the lake” for lunch and boating. Sat down to lovely sandwiches and boomers began in the distance followed upon the completion of lunch with a gentle drizzle. The peeps and g-son retired to the doghouse to ride out the little weather event. DDD and g-son started their siestas, mom chose to read, then, BAM, BOOM, SPLAT. No, Batman didn’t visit; a gully washer started :l They gave up at 4 and sent g-son with his uncle and Spongetta to a family party with her folks and DDD and mom came home to us, us, us. Just in time for Doggie Dinner:)

  34. Siber-H
    5:14 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Zoe, We love having you and Martha joining on the blog.

    T&G As much as I love Chet and Bernie, I never want them near my old, borrowed, Porsche. It is in good shape and I plan to keep it that way. Even my pal, Rio, is not allowed to eat hot wings in it.

  35. Wookie's and Teddy's Dad
    5:15 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Zoe — Truth be told we have always thought of you as part of this blog, given all that Melanie had shared about you and Dan and the Newfs, among other things. But we all certainly look forward to hearing from you more directly and frequently in the future, and sharing in the love that we all feel for one another, both here and departed.

  36. Riö -The Evil Pug
    5:15 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Classic!….heh!….All you Agatha Christie fans need to watch “And Then There Was None” – the really old movie. The one in black and white…heh!heh!….We got such a kick out of the humor in the story. Never expected it to be funny!…chorkel!…Classic movie!

  37. Herd of Hounds
    5:15 pm on August 2nd, 2014
  38. Riö -The Evil Pug
    5:22 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    SiberH!…I seriously do not remember that rule…grunt!…No eating of Hot Wings in the porche. Nope, never heard a word about that…grunt!

    Food!…Speaking of food. My friend is going solo to the neighborhood BBQ at the Pete-The-Cops house tonight…snort!…Mother, Beau and I have begged off…heh!…She is getting ready to make her Strawberries filled with Cream Cheese any minute now…sniff!…She says this BBQ needs some fruit. Pasta salad is a-plenty, potato salad is always over-flowing, high sugar desserts are over-flowing, but there is never any fruit…grunt!…So she is on a mission to supply fruit to these nutrient starved people. And she knows the only way they will eat fruit is with a tempting dab of sweet cream cheese in the center…heh!heh!…burp!

  39. Dawson
    5:55 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Chet the Dog: I am loving the excerpts. Thank you!

    WosenGriz: Island prayers coming at you.

    I am one who likes to mow lawns and weed whack, small yards only. If someone bought me a John Deere mower, then I would mow acres!

    Staff has taken over the Double Dawson duties.

    HOH: I’m enjoying the exploits of y’all and g-son.

    DianeC: I missed the “hefty fines” post. I wonder what the questions are on the quiz.

    Tyb: Another month already!? If it wasn’t for the FOM drawing and your calendar page showing up (sometimes on the 1st, heh), I would miss entire months.

  40. Dawson
    6:00 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Cousin Elly’s garden is a wonderful place to read a good book.

  41. Herd of Hounds
    6:01 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Dawson, that was on the “facebookie” post…hefty fines.

  42. Dawson
    6:03 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    HOH: Oh good! I thought I was reading every third word again.

  43. Dawson
    6:16 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Highly recommended by a friend of Snowhook Kennels.

  44. A. Catty Librarian
    6:50 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Dawson! You must be on the Island!
    The only way I know what my sisters are doing is if I check the Chet-the-Dog-Blog, doggammit.

  45. Herd of Hounds
    6:53 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Oh, Dawson, just that restaurant’s sing is making our mom drool like a newf!

  46. Herd of Hounds
    6:56 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    GAH! Sing, n, No, NO sign.

  47. Riö -The Evil Pug
    7:02 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Dawson!…Sounds like you are having a great vacation for free!…wooooo!… Enjoy every moment of it!…snort!

    Neighbors!…Well it is almost time for my friend to take her stawberries and hit the road…snort!…She will be walking up the same walk we do every single night come hell or high water…grunt!…She has met so many people on our walks mostly because of ME and maybe Beau…heh!…I know she is hoping a few favorites will be there tonight…sniff!…Now I want to go and she says NO!NO!NOT Ever!…grumble!

  48. Dawson
    7:05 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    ACattyLibrarian: Oops! Heh,heh.
    Very sweet picture you posted last night.

    Now, I have to leave Elly’s garden and free wifi area back to the land of no internet.

  49. Diane C.
    7:43 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    MP’s Mom–Thaks for the additional information. I was indeed curious, but feared any questions might spark sad memories.

  50. Staff
    8:17 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Hi A Catty.

  51. Wose-the small and meek
    8:17 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Cheesecake! Grizz and I extended the cheesecake celebration, and had more cheesecake today!

    Wosengrizz want to thank all of youse for your prayers, and good thoughts.

    RIO! We will not be moving right now, but if the Prof gets the job, and his commute becomes to much, it will be a consideration.

    Teddy RR: Your special puppy prayers mean a great deal to us. And I know with Zeta’s prayers added, good things will come.

  52. Wose-the small and meek
    8:18 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    RIO! Those strawberries sound goody, good, good!

    ZOE, never forget you are Plunderer family!

  53. Teddy Ruff Rider
    8:56 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Guess what my ma and pa found at Barnes and Noble tonight. Paw and Order. Three days before the official pub date too. How cool is that!

  54. Wolfie
    9:01 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Sending prayers on wings for The Grizz.

    Rio, can you ask you ask your friend how she makes her sweet cream cheese for the strawberries?

    Mom has been lurking but I wish she would post more!

  55. Tupper and Gilly
    9:03 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    We admit it. We couldn’t resist the temptation. We watched “Snarknado II”, arguably one of the tackiest, most ridiculous and stupid SciFi movies ever made.

    Now we can say we have seen it.


  56. Barb & Maggie
    9:29 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    We would like to hear the strawberry recipe too.

    What, PAO at B&N already? We may have to make an unscheduled trip there tomorrow or Monday. It won’t be a signed copy, but at least we can start reading it.

    Sharknado, can’t figure out what all the excitement is about. T & G, did you watch the original one?

  57. Riö -The Evil Pug
    9:35 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    OMYDAWG!…snort!…My friend came home from the neighborhood BBQ and she said she had a blast…chuffle!…This year she sat at an empty table with a lady she did not know and suddenly the table filled up with 3 neighborhood cops and sheriffs and another nice couple…snort!…The conversation was very interesting and my friend had those cops laughing. Can you believe it? Plus, they are all dawg-lovers, so there were a lot of funny stories along with all the cop stories. My friend had a great time…chorkel!….Damn good thing me and Beau did not go…whew!

  58. Riö -The Evil Pug
    9:37 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Stawberries!…She really sold her strawberries too! All those guys had cream cheese filled strawberries as part of their dessert…chuffle! …And they liked them too!…heh!

  59. Riö -The Evil Pug
    9:40 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Recipe!…Youse guys all have the recipe. It is in Dishlickers Cookbook…snort!

  60. Tupper and Gilly
    10:01 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Barb – we did not see the original. And now we are pretty sure we will give it a pass.

    Rio – sounds like your Friend had a great time. Hope she brought you some barbeque.

  61. Riö – The Evil Pug
    10:04 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Nothin’!…She brought us NOTHIN’…grump!…And now we have to go for a damned ole walk…grumble!

  62. Diane C.
    10:07 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    HOH–It took me ALL DAY to figure out why you mentioned the guy who didn’t like the “fire at will” phrase. I am a twit.
    I am going to go buy strawberries and stuff them. And eat them. Maybe dipped in brandy first.

  63. Tupper and Gilly
    10:10 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Can’t have strawberries.
    Maybe we’ll just eat sweet cream cheese by the spoonful.
    The brandy part sounds good too.

  64. Barb & Maggie
    10:13 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    We will pull out our Dishlickers Cookbook and check on the strawberries. We just made MPM’s poppy seed salad dressing a couple of weeks ago. It is one of our favorite salad dressings.

    We are heading to bed to read for a few minutes before lights out. Started a Catherine Coulter that we didn’t like much at first, but now it is getting good. Will hold us over to we get PAO.

    Night all.

  65. Riö -The Evil Pug
    10:37 pm on August 2nd, 2014


  66. Riö -The Evil Pug
    10:38 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Mosquitoes!…Made the walk even more enjoyable than ever…grumpety!grump!

  67. Tupper and Gilly
    11:13 pm on August 2nd, 2014

    Yaaaaawwwwn – tired puppies here
    G’night everyone.

  68. Riö -The Evil Pug
    12:15 am on August 3rd, 2014


  69. Belle Starr
    4:12 am on August 3rd, 2014

    My very, most special, best friend, Wose: We here are saying prayers for youse there from te bottom of our sled dog hearts. The effectiveness of the Thieves prayers is still under review, but they are throwing them in the mix just in case.

    Nighty and noodles.

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