Chetspeak on Sunday: PAW AND ORDER, Ch. 1, Excerpt 4
There’s a kind of silent excitement that can spread quickly through a group of humans. It’s got some sweat in it, the sour kind, plus a funky part, male and female. I smelled it now, and the fur on the back of my neck rose up. Ferdie got to his feet, and I smelled one more thing: he had a gun in his pocket, recently fired.
Ferdie—even huger than I’d thought, now that I saw him up-right—gazed down at Bernie like he hated him, which made no sense since they’d hardly even met. “Willing to bet I’m too drunk to beat you to a pulp?” he said.
Bernie got a distant look in his eyes, the way he does when he’s doing his deepest thinking.
“Yellow, huh?” said Ferdie, which I didn’t get at all, Bernie’s skin being tanned and a bit reddish if anything.
“It’s more the syntax,” he said.
“Huh?”
“A little tricky, took me a moment,” Bernie said. “But sure, I’m on. Although why don’t I just take the money and spare you the pain?”
Ferdie roared. More bull than man, but the sound didn’t scare me. I’d seen enough fighting—and done plenty myself—to know that when it came to humans, the silent ones are the most dangerous. Did Ferdie flip the table right onto Bernie and come swarming in, throwing heavy roundhouses with his huge arms? Possibly, but I was on my own feet now and facing away from the action, setting up a friendly little boundary, just making it easier for everybody. From behind I heard a thump thump, and maybe one more thump, Ferdie still pounding away, and then came a brief pause followed by a snap that reminded me of wishbones on Thanksgiving—my favorite holiday, but no time to go into that now—only much louder, and right after that there was a horrible cry of . . . how to put it? Agony? Not Bernie’s of course, but it really did scare me just the same.
I turned. Bernie was on his feet—the money already tucked into the pocket of his Hawaiian shirt—setting the table back up in the proper way. Ferdie lay on the floor kind of . . . how to put it? Writhing? That was as close as I could get. His arm was at an angle you never see. Just the sight of it made a big bearded biker a few tables back puke all over a paper plate stacked with cornbread. I came close to losing my appetite, and in that moment of not concentrating on my job, almost missed Ferdie’s biker gal—the one with the thick neck, even thicker than his, I now saw: what a time we were having!—whipping a little pink-handled gun out from under her bra. Luckily for me—and I’ve had so much luck in my life, starting with flunking out of K-9 school on the very last day, which was how I met Bernie—I can go from just standing around to flying through the air in no time flat, always the best time there is. The next thing I knew I had that little pink popgun in my mouth and the thick-necked biker gal was holding her wrist and calling me names I’m sure she didn’t mean.
“Nice work, big guy,” Bernie said, taking the gun. A breeze sprang up behind me and after hardly another moment went by, I realized it was my own tail in action. Was I cooking or what?
– from PAW AND ORDER, on sale Aug. 5 (but already available at Eight Cousins in Falmouth Mass., where Spence launched it last night.
Welcome new friend Linus.
Tags: Chetspeak, Eight Cousins, excerpts, Paw and Order
This entry was posted on Sunday, August 3rd, 2014 at 7:32 am and is filed under Chet The Dog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
7:47 am on August 3rd, 2014
Good morning, everyone! wow, Wow, WOW! What can we say? We are loving Ch. 1. Chet and Bernie have so much fun 🙂 And it was a great Chetspeak and it is Sunday and now it is Egg Day. Life is better than tip top:)
Have a swimmingly superb Sunday, we plan to.
8:20 am on August 3rd, 2014
“…and calling me names I’m sure she didn’t mean.” Chet’s got a wonderful outlook on life, doesn’t he?
Good morning HOH and everyone. Have a superb Sunday.
8:30 am on August 3rd, 2014
Back at y’all BB and LL and family.
9:21 am on August 3rd, 2014
9:41 am on August 3rd, 2014
We here have decided that our Wose needs a new name. I hereby propose that moving forward, her new name shall be:
Rose, Small and Wonderful.
9:46 am on August 3rd, 2014
Wolfie, you have our vote. Does it take more than 2?
10:03 am on August 3rd, 2014
Whoa! Check out the foto to the right on the facebookie post. Our mom has done some dumb things, but at least we don’t have to wear sneakers AND a beret.
10:07 am on August 3rd, 2014
Hey, Spence, you never said how the launch in Falmouth went. Did anyone throw anything? Did you get writer’s cramp? Did you make any faux paws? Huh, huh, huh? Inquiring K-9s want to know.
10:27 am on August 3rd, 2014
Greetings!
Either I am getting up really late, or Spence and Admin are posting much earlier. heh!
Wolfie, You are very sweet! Tummies to you! I think that Rose, the pup, not me, is small and wonderful.
Belle Starr, Thank you for your message. I know these are strong prayers, because I found sparkles on my pillow! Head bumps and tummies forever.
RIO! I am so glad your friend had a great time last night! Do you think she can overnight some of those to me, me, me?
Wosengrizz are truly appreciative to all of youse for your prayers and good thoughts. I youse will be the first to know about the decision.
Good Sunday to all!
10:30 am on August 3rd, 2014
Oops, we forgot to welcome Linus…great nose and tongue 🙂
We think we are to mornings as Rio is to evenings as far as talking to ourselves. Think we’ll go fishing with the DDD for a bit (or a bite if he catches one).
TTFN
10:31 am on August 3rd, 2014
“…setting up a friendly little boundary, just making it easier for everybody…” beautifully phrased! AND we’re having actual precipitation (officially 1/10 of an inch but it went on all night and feels like more AND seems to be continuing) AND here you all are! Just when you think life can’t get any better, it does!
I agree that she’s wonderful, but I hope Wose/Rose also gets to vote on her name…
HOH–I think that’s a yarmulke (that doesn’t quite fit). I hope the sneakers are comfortable.
Have a fabulous a delightful Sunday, all.
10:33 am on August 3rd, 2014
Also, please ignore extraneous “a” in the last line of the above.
10:36 am on August 3rd, 2014
We still think about the day the Chet and Bernie movie comes out. With this scene in mind, does anyone have any actor in mind?
Good morning everyone. Rose – prayers will continue while you await the decision. Wolfie – it sure is nice to see you posting.
10:49 am on August 3rd, 2014
DianeC., we believe it is a French poodle, not a Yiddish poodle.
11:02 am on August 3rd, 2014
“It’s more the syntax.” Love it!
Good morning all.
11:08 am on August 3rd, 2014
HOH–That’s a poodle? Not a Pom? (But can’t you be both, whatever your ancestral home?)
Tupper’s Mama–Oooh–Actors to play Bernie. I can see this taking up a big chunk of the day. How about we eliminate Liev Schreiber and Mark Ruffalo to begin? I can think of a couple, but they’re old or no longer with us. Maybe if Joseph Gordon-Levitt were a little older? (Or maybe Mark Ruffalo after all, even as currently overexposed…)
11:32 am on August 3rd, 2014
Good morning, all! I’ve been to church and am now catching up with the blog, drinking my last cup of coffee, and preparing to finish reading the paper. Has anyone ever had fried zucchini blossoms? In the paper today… Take only male blossoms, stuff them with goat cheese, add salt, and fry them. They are big in Italy.
Welcome, Linus.
11:40 am on August 3rd, 2014
Hey Martha – haven’t had them, but any excuse for hot, melty cheese is good with us.
11:48 am on August 3rd, 2014
I’ve always thought Gerard Butler should play Bernie. He puts on a very good American accent.
12:19 pm on August 3rd, 2014
We just goggled Gerard Butler. Mom says, yes, he could play Bernie. This has nothing to do with whether or not he could play Bernie, but he was a lawyer before he became an actor.
There are a few baseball players we think could play Bernie if they could act, which I am sure they can’t.
12:32 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Wolfie: Hey there, pal. It is so good to see you on this here blog.
We here vote for the name change to Wose the Small and Wonderful. Wose is small and she is a warrior. If you could each of our votes once, we believe it is more than two.
12:43 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Excerpt!….WOW! WOW! WOW!…snort!snort!…Bernie made quick work of that biker-bully!…chuffle!
12:44 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Wose, I also vote for the small and wonderful.
We are cheering for the Prof to get the new job. They would be wise to hire him.
Maybe me, the Howlers, and the Snowhook dogs could bribe the guy that makes the hiring decisions with free sled dog rides in the winter.
12:52 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Whew! What an exciting start. I sure am glad that Chet has Bernie’s back! Yikes almighty!
Still keeping Grizz in my pawrayers. Thanks Rose (the small and wonderful) for letting us help.
Off to quilting AGAIN. Yesterday I got to use a long arm quilting machine and I finished a quilt top with butterflies. Today? Who knows!
12:54 pm on August 3rd, 2014
It is a small quilt. About 30×36..or so. I didn’t measure it. Not quilted yet.
1:44 pm on August 3rd, 2014
That’s so funny – I was just thinking about actors to play Bernie the last few days (just finished reading The Sound and the Furry). I can’t think of any – but he has to have eyebrows – the best there are!
How can you tell which squash blossoms are male?
1:49 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Staffie!…That there Quilt is beautiful!….snort!
1:51 pm on August 3rd, 2014
I can report that Harris is wonderful! I am told she has eyebrows just like me. She is very cute. Maybe that is code for eyebrows in which case I am adorable as my lady says my eyebrows are my best feature. In addition to being cute she has great markings. She may have went a little heavy on the eyeliner, but I will SiberH be the judge. She has two small patches abover her eyes that are lighter than the rest of her fur. Yep, she’s a real beauty. There is a rumor that I could be her mentor. I’ve never been a mentor before. I am eager to prove myself as a mentor. If anyone can help me locate her eyebrows, I’d be most grateful. I want to start out on the paw with being a good mentor.
2:13 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Excerpt Heaven!
Harris is beautiful and has found a loving forever home. The musher looks pleased with himself, heh! We are pleased too.
Will be busy at “Nautical Days” today and tomorrow. Dragon boat races, fish toss (instead of frying pans), local artisan crafts, delish food and much much more, so I am told. This is a first for me.
2:18 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Harris is a beauty!
2:24 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Harris is a fine looking girl…pretty coloring. The eye makeup is dramatic and perfect.
2:35 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Why not AJ as Bernie? We already know that he is great with dogs and cool under pressure.
2:48 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Of course I just had to send a donation to Snowhook in honor of my namesake. heh.
Can’t wait until I get my paws on the book on Tuesday. Might be at the local B&N bookstore when it opens.
Tech help request: My Chrome toolbar has lost function. When I click on any of the tabs–File, Edit, History, Bookmarks, etc–nothing happens. When I use another browser, everything is fine but Chrome is my primary toolbar and I want to organize my bookmarks and erase my weekly history. Any sugestions? (I am on a MacBook). Usually I can google solutions but I haven’t been able to find anything helpful.
3:18 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Techie!….I have a tv tech question…snort!…Does anyone know why a DVD player’s color would be off? My new big tv has excellant color, but whenever she pops in a dvd the movie is all reddish and greenish…grump!…I have suffered this far too long. It is a cheap dvd player and I am wondering if that is the problem….sniff!…Any help would be helpful.
3:54 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Harris is a real beauty, and so adorable! Junior, I know you will be the perfect mentor for her!
3:56 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Staff, That is a lovely quilt!
4:12 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Mentor!…I think my Junior will be a perfect eyebrow mentor for lil Harris…snorkel!…Their eyebrows will grow long together and speak a language of their own…heh!heh!
4:21 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Harris, when you grow into those paws, you will be quite a girl is a fantastic furever home.
4:26 pm on August 3rd, 2014
For all youse who have seen the photo of Harris, any leads on where her eyebrows are? I don’t want her to feel out of sorts.
4:29 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Never fear, they will always be somewhere close by.
4:33 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Harris is a doll. What is her back story?
Martha, we had a discussion about male and female squash blossoms last week on this here blog. The female blossoms have a little miniature fruit just behind the blossom, whereas the male blossom does not. Generally a plant will have about 1/3 female blossoms. You don’t need all those remaining blossoms to pollinate the female blossoms, so some can be safely harvested.
That was an exciting excerpt this morning. Chet certainly does have Bernie’s back. We said before we think a young Tom Selleck would be a good choice. Gerald Butler could do the job too. We picture Bernie as slightly bulky and not a thin and wiry type.
Yes, we like the new name choice for Rose. It has a more positive spin.
5:02 pm on August 3rd, 2014
We can’t post! When ever we try it tells us to slow down or says its a duplicate post.
waaaaaaaahhhh
5:21 pm on August 3rd, 2014
T&G, breathe in, then out and say “Goose feathers” and by then this here blog should catch up to you.
5:25 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Wow, Harris does have big paws!
5:33 pm on August 3rd, 2014
T and G–You just posted. I can see it. Be calm
Harris is gorgeous. Gerard Butler, not so much.
Sauteed squash blossoms are popular here as well, but I’ve never had the pleasure. Sauteed anything tends to send me into a frenzy of over-consumption…
5:38 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Good luck, Griz! Paws crossed in Texas.
Harris is a beauty! I like how her ears fold forward at the tip.
Staff, last year (I think) you donated a small pink blanket in the Snowhook auction. Mom won it and has had it in the cedar chest waiting for the first niece or nephew to have a little girl. One of her nieces is expecting her first baby…a girl…in October. She had a baby shower this weekend and the quilt was part of Mom’s gift. Everybody thinks it is beautiful.
5:41 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Y’all need to google Matt Passmore. He would make a great Bernie!
5:47 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Mmm? Matt Passmore in his brown hair phase is possible for us.
5:49 pm on August 3rd, 2014
SO, while doing our food shopping today, Grizz tells me that he had sent out his resume to NAIS, National Association of Independent Schooling. Heh!
Then he tells me that he received a response telling him the original position he applied for will now be transitioned to Manager, User Experience. “WOW, great!”,
I reply. THEN he says if the position comes through (fingers crossed) we would have to relocate, and is that okay. The Prof already knows I would relocate anywhere (with 2 exceptions), so naturally I ask “Where?”
“Washington, DC”, he says.
Well, it not is not Alaska, but I say YES, YES, YES! My bestest friend on this here blog, Teddy RR, and his mom and pop live there! Needless to say, he is following up……more to come.
5:52 pm on August 3rd, 2014
BooBear, Thanks for sending luck to Grizz! Nice that your mom’s gift was admired. I would not expect anything less than that for a Staff creation!
6:04 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Rio, if I remember correctly you recently got a new flat screen TV. The old DVD player might need an HDMI cable to attach to the TV.
6:21 pm on August 3rd, 2014
I made guacamole and it is delish!
(Whispering): I think Gerard Butler is Lovely (with a capital “L”)!
6:27 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Movie!…We here do not want to see a Chet n’ Bernie movie produced…sniff!…Hollywood always screws up a good thing…grunt!
6:30 pm on August 3rd, 2014
MollysMaw!…Okay, she bought an expensive HDMI cable that connects to the Comcast box to the TV…sniff!…But the DVD player is connected directly to the TV by those connector that have three different colors…grunt!…Are you telling me that someone here has to buy ANOTHER special HDMI connecting thingy for the DVD player?…grump!
7:20 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Wose: If you relocate, try and live in a place that allows pets!
O’Howlers and Siber-H: yesterday was the first day of signups for the Yukon Quest. Of the 20 teams so far entered, 4 are Siberian teams. Go Sibers!
7:25 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Rio, yes, I am telling you that you need a more modern (ha ha) way to connect the old-fashioned DVD to the high-tech flat screen. Amazon has an HDMI cable for $5.99.
7:43 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Tech!…My friend is wondering why the ASSHOLES in the store(s) who sell her these things neglect to mention any of this stuff…grump!,…Now someone is in a really bad mood…sniff!…This means when it cools off we will be going for a really damned long walk….grump!spit!tooey!
7:44 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Old-Fashioned!…She just bought this damned DVD player – how can it be Old-Fashioned already?…grumble!
7:48 pm on August 3rd, 2014
CHobbit, Thanks for the Yukon Quest Siber news. This is exciting!
8:03 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Wose — Wow, that would be terrific if you could move to Washington, DC, and be closer to me, me, me. That way I would definitely get all the treats and hugs and petting that I need. You know how deprived I am in that area. You could also meet Zeta too. I am sure that she will love you as much as I do.
8:22 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Poor Teddy. Loulou will give you the number of the SPCA. She calls them all the time about her dog abuse.
8:32 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Teddy RR, If Grizz gets any job, I hope, hope, hope it is in D.C. It would be great to be near YOU,YOU,YOU! What fun we would have! I would be honored to meet Zeta. (whispering) I would always have plenty of snacks and treats for you, and of course you would have tummies and hugs all the time!!
8:39 pm on August 3rd, 2014
MPM, Does LouLou have the SPCA number on speed dial?
8:44 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Wose, I don’t know. I have to check her little Go-Phone.
8:47 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Wose, I think you should move to a place where you can have a dog or cat. A small dog like LouLou would be wonderful for you.
9:03 pm on August 3rd, 2014
B&M, There is nothing I would love more than to have a dog or cat. Because we had to switch some doctors due to our health care plan, Grizz had to start over with a new allergist. When the tested his arms, the dog and cat serums raised big, nasty welts on his arm. sigh!
9:04 pm on August 3rd, 2014
I think I hear my bed calling….
Sweet dreams to all!
9:14 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Allergies!…I think my friend is allergic to us but she will not admit it and she will not go to an allergist either…snuffle!
9:39 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Dear Rose, the small and wonderful, still sending great big lucky vibes your wonderful way. Go Griz!
BooBear! How wonderful to hear that the little quilt went to a little girl.
Harris you have landed in the honey pot. Really you don’t have to worry about eyebrows. When you need them they will come.
CHObbit…Re chrome: Are you talking about the three little horizontal lines at the right end of the address bar? That is what I click on when I want to do stuff. Is that what is not working?
10:06 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Staff:
The quilt that you posted is amazing. My daughter was over for dinner tonight, and I showed it to her. She is an accomplished seamstress. She gazed at it for a long time and simply said, “Wow”. Thank you for sharing it!
10:10 pm on August 3rd, 2014
The quilt was really beautiful, Staff.
We are heading off to slumber land. Night all.
10:13 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Checking to see if the blog will let us post now.
10:19 pm on August 3rd, 2014
We missed out on most of the day. But we do like the looks of that Gerald guy. We had to look him up.
And we also want to say Harris does credit to her namesake. She is a lovely girl, with or without eyebrows.
And the quilt is lovely, and we are holding our breath for the Prof. Wow- DC. We are hoping to go there in October. We love DC.
10:22 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Hunny pots! Sounds delish!
Staff: If Alice M. Kitty, Abbie the need back up testing quilts we volunteer. That quilt is beautiful.
CHobbit: The sponsorship will be used for the care and feeding of Harris and her eyebrows. Thank you.
10:24 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Wose: I believe D.C. is just a hop, skip and a pawstand from me, me, me. That damn pixie says it is not. If she’s telling the truth, and I have no reason to believe she is, I still and hoping and praying for nothing but the best for you and Professor Grizz.
11:07 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Thanks for the quilt compliments everyone. You make me feel good inside. I made that quilt to remember our Plunder day at the butterfly conservatory in honor of Melanie. At any rate that was on my mind when I worked on it.
I had to have an intervention by two of the people I was quilting with. At first I had three different fabrics in the borders but they made me rip out the third one and put in more of the blue and angle the corner which was sort of interesting because one of the borders is 5″ and the other is 6″. It is much better this way if they do say so themselves. Snicker.
11:15 pm on August 3rd, 2014
I have been so out of touch that I hate to ask for a recap, but what is the story on Miss Harris? I will try to be better at keeping up in the coming days, but the excitement!!! of day camp is almost more than I can stand.
Nitey nite my virtual friends.
11:22 pm on August 3rd, 2014
Awww- Staffie – now we love that quilt even more
Saying g’night from here too.
7:53 am on August 4th, 2014
Rio–while I agree with you that so-called new and improved technology is little more than an elaborate ploy to sell an ever-increasing array of technological accoutrements the overall cost of which is NEVER justified by the so-called “improvements” it brings to our lives (OK I read between the lines on your post about the HDMI cable), I would point out that as a native daughter of Hollywood, CA that my hometown has produced a number of very fine adaptations (e.g. Double Indemnity, The Big Sleep, Godfather, Mildred Pierce, Cider house Rules, Hunger Games, Fault in Our Stars, Hotel New Hampshire was actually better in movie form) as well as original works that are also often mistranslated to other media (ANY “novelization” of a movie, various B’way productions of successful films). You’re quite right that conversions to film often screw up relative to original sources–so do composers and theatrical producers worldwide when trying to adapt from one medium to another.
I do agree that a C and B movie would NOT be a good idea largely because of difficulties in casting Chet, who is really the important one, and the fact that we all see both C and B slightly differently in our mind’s eyes (even if I could buy Mr. Butler as Bernie, I’d have a problem believing that he’d drop money on a Hawaiian pants or tin futures scheme).
BTW–Did your reference to anal sphincters cause a delay due to moderation, or is that only for terminology referring to footwear?
Sorry for the rant, everyone, but I’m tired of hearing my hometown denigrated (often by people who consume huge amounts of its output).
7:59 am on August 4th, 2014
…and would never dream of boycotting it.
Staff–I neglected to mention that the quilt is beautiful. It is (and just the right size for a small person–or perhaps a small 4-legged)